I would like to introduce you to one of the best-celebrated holidays in the world.  Songkran is the name of the Thai New Year and it lasts for 3 days officially.  Unofficially however, it lasts more like 6 days.

The holiday is celebrated by country-wide water fights.  From what we can tell, there are definitely a few minor rules of etiquette that should probably be followed; however, these rules are easily broken and people generally react with a “haha, oh well” attitude when it happens.

So, essentially there are no rules.  You just have the right to soak any person walking around outside anywhere.  When you drive down the road, you have to be careful because people are lining the streets with hoses, water guns, and buckets of water…just waiting to soak you.  On the other hand, if you're walking along the side of the road, you have to be careful because there are cars driving by armed with buckets of water and water guns who are looking so SOAK you!!

When you get into the heart of the city, the water fighting goes crazy!  I have made a video of what it was like but even with how crazy the video is, it can't quite capture the insanity of the water festival.  The first part of the video is us having a water fight with some of the girls who live here with us and then the rest of the video is us going into the city, armed for battle!  No one was spared our wrath!! Haha I hope you enjoy.

In case you hadn't already made this assumption, man month has been an absolute blast so far.  I really do love all the women on our squad but it has been really refreshing for us to have some time to "bro out" and just have some man time.

Our living situation kind of caught me by surprise a little bit.  When we got off the plane in Bangkok and walked out of the airport, I just about melted.  It was about the same temperature that it had been in Africa but the humidity was INTENSE.  Walking through the sliding doors of the airport felt like walking into a wall.

I typically use long distance travel days as days to remind myself that I do have at least a little bit of stylishness left in me.  In general, you kind of just have to wear clothes that make sense on the race.  However, travel days sometimes include long amounts of time in airplanes and airports (e.g. air conditioning); thus, I generally dress up a bit.

Let's just say that within two seconds of walking out of the airport in Bangkok, I 103% regretted rocking my denim and plaid look.  Within a matter of minutes, I was wearing more sweat than I was wearing clothes. 

Suffice it to say, it is very very hot in Thailand this time of year.  This is actually the hottest month of the year for Thailand.  So surely we would have A/C of some sort right?  We would have a way to escape the heat right?  We would at least have fans right? 

Imagine my surprise when our living situation turned out to be more along these lines:

My neighborhood.

My crib.

The neighbors.

It has definitely been hot here (right around 100 degrees Fahrenheit each day) with high humidity; but it actually gets cool enough at night that it's ok for sleeping.  We are living a decent way outside of the city as well on a big piece of land recently purchased by the ministry we are working with.  We actually have set up our tents in the middle of a mango and tamarind orchard.  I had never heard of a tamarind either...they look like this:

There is a small house here on the property that houses a married couple who actually went on the race a couple years ago!  It is really fun having American's for contacts and Brian and Beth are super legit people with huge hearts to see God work here in SE Asia.

God's been pulling a "God" and teaching me a lot of things that I thought I already knew.  Even in just this first week, He has been teaching me a lot about being a man.  He and I have been talking about what it looks like to be a man who deals with the sin in his life like a man and not a boy.

The 8 of us men here are doing a Bible study together over 1 John this month.  I don't know how familiar you are with 1 John but, in case you're at the "not at all familiar" level, the book talks a lot about the love and grace of God right after it talks VERY strongly about the gravity of sin.  In talking through some of the stuff in this book, Jesus has just really been reminding me how completely unacceptable any little ounce of sin should be to me.  1 John says things like "No one who abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or knows Him" or "No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God."

We haven't gotten a chance yet to look in depth into these verses.  At this point we have just looked at the book as a whole and the first chapter.  However, even just looking at this book from a broad perspective, I have been super challenged.  John gives no room for grey areas.  We are either living in the light or we are living in the dark.  We are either living in sin or we are living in righteousness.  1 John seems to really communicate the gravity of sin.  The writer doesn't give any room for sin to just be a part of our lives.  That's what I get from reading it overall.  We will see what God starts saying as we dig into the meat of it.

Coming into this month with the men, I knew that God wanted to do something awesome with this group of guys.  Some of what God had been speaking to me about was BEING MEN instead of BOYS.  He was talking to me about what the difference is.  One of the things He showed me was that MEN do not live consciously in sin.  So many men go through life being VERY aware of the things that they struggle with whether that means the typical guy struggles of lust and other sexual sin or whether that is a struggle with lying or pride or WHATEVER.  Most of us men are well aware of the sins that have a hold on us.

However, MEN do not live consciously in sin.  Ideally, we would be able to be men who just share everything that is going on inside of us; everything that we are struggling with.  Most men aren't good at that though.  Most of us are significantly better at hiding behind expertly-crafted masks, counting on the fact that we know how to make it uncomfortable for other people when they try to get past that mask.

Men are good at passively communicating to people that we have no interest in anyone trying to remove our masks.  Just leave the mask where it is and tell me how good I look in it. 

Something that God showed me a while ago though is that this fear of getting real and letting the REAL person of Christian Roderick be seen is an issue that is pervasive amongst the men of my generation and maybe the couple generations ahead of us.  It's turned a bunch of would-be MEN into BOYS wearing man-masks.

The thing that sucks so much about these masks is that most of us men have no idea how to drop the mask.  We have no idea how to drop our guard and just SHARE what is going on inside of us.  Thus, part of being a MAN is being in a community of MEN who will help you chip away at your mask.  Part of being a MAN is surrounding yourself with other MEN who won't let you pretend like you're not fighting a battle against sin.

That was my heart for this month with these 7 other men.  I wanted us to be able to grow together as men who will not be happy looking around the room and seeing 7 other masks.  We hate masks.  We all know though that the easiest way to get rid of the stupid thing is to have 7 other men take their sledgehammers to it with me.

Part of being a real MAN instead of a real BOY is surrounding yourself with other MEN who are just as malcontent with the sin in your life as you either are or wish you were.  And in that, part of being a MAN is fighting for your brothers to be free from the masks that they hide behind.  It is the oldest battle in the book.  What did Adam do the moment that he sinned?  He got his hide on.  We are fighting against that same natural tendency.

All that said, I am really excited that we are studying through 1 John as a group of men.  This book has, right off the bat, begun to challenge me in the way that I view sin.  It has reminded me of the gravity of every little bit of sin that allow to have a hold on my life.  I don't want it.  I don't any of it because the way that I get to "ABIDE" in Jesus (whatever that means...hah I'll get back to you after we talk all about it), I need to be free of sin!  That sounds insane but it is what I want to be striving for and it is what I want to be fighting for in the men that the Lord places around me. 

So yeah, that's kind of the tone that Jesus has been setting for me the past week or so.  This month seems like it is actually going by fairly quickly but we still have a couple of weeks together as men and I know that the Lord has so much more for us.

I guess that if I was going to give any men out there any advice from the advice that Jesus has been giving me, it would be this:  do NOT be ok with even a tiny bit of sin in your life.  As men, we know when we have sin in our lives that we have decided not to deal with.  Don't be that BOY who lets sin just sit there with a hold on you.

That said, the easiest way by FAR to get out of sin is to go to some men around you that you trust and ask them to HELP you obliterate the mask-crap that you hide behind.  Surrounding yourself with men who WILL dig into you and who WILL make you tell them what is really going on is just part of what it means to be a MAN.

Ok, well now that I am finished with this blog post, I'm going to get to work on making a video from the last couple days that we have had here in Thailand.  WATER FESTIVAL.  Get ready, it was awesome.  Should be here in a few days if I can get the internet to post it.  Love you all.  Miss this girl more than I've ever missed anything ever:

I want to fill you in on some adventure details from this past month that you probably already know if you have even a tiny bit of FB stalker-ish tendencies in you.  However, I also want to fill you in on some deets (shortened version of details. Keep up.) that you can't possibly know unless you're my girlfriend and got to talk to me on the phone tonight. What up!?! (Trademark Barney Stinson: How I Met Your Mother)

This month just started off with adventure.  It was an epic first couple of days in Uganda.  Our entire squad went to a place right on the Nile river to relax and have some fun together for a few days before heading off ot ministry.  First afternoon that we were there, I got my first trump card of the month.  Let me explain what a trump card is for those of you who aren't enlightened.  A trump card is a statement of something that you have done in your life that ends a competitive conversation between yourself and one or more other persons.  When people are comparing stories and are getting to that point where it is clear that everyone is subtly trying to one-up the previous story, the "trump card" is the story that puts everyone to silence.

Exempli gratia: If I were having a conversation with someone and I stated that I had done <>, then this proverbial "someone" might respond with: "oh yeah I remember when I bungee jumped in Colorado; it was awesome."  Then, I might throw out the trump card (if I had it...) of: "oh yeah, I remember when I bungee'd over the Nile river and got dipped into it..." (spoiler alert).  The general response to such a statement would be silence...thus, TRUMPED.

So anyways, my first trump card of the month was on day one of our squad time.  Almost our entire squad got to raft the Nile river!  The rafts hold 8 people and guess how many men we have on our squad?  Yep, exactly one raft full.

We had a raft full of men (I can't tell you what we named our boat...too manly) and we had a crazy raft guide.  There was no "would you like it mild or wild?"  It was more like: "you guys wanna get absolutely dominated or just destroyed?"  It was crazy up in the man boat.  We had so much fun but there were legitimately times when I had so much adrenaline going or would be getting washing-machined in the waves and I legitimately had the thought "this is probably going to be the end."  It was crazy.  I haven't been so scared and pumped up and terrified and excited all at the same time in a very long while.  It was a blast though.

To make a long story short, I got robbed the night after we rafted the Nile.  I had a backpack on my bed with me (under my mosquito net) while I was sleeping and somehow, somebody came into our room in the middle of the night and stole a SIGNIFICANT amount of money out of my backpack.  We won't get specific but it was a 4-digit number.  This dude came away a rich little thief. 

Anyways, another one of the men on our squad also got some stuff stolen.  He lost his daypack which had a very nice camera among other things in it.  The management at the place we were staying handled everything incredibly well and actually ended up having the police investigate and FOUND the backpack with the camera and such!  No cigar on the money but still.  They were wonderful with everything and they felt absolutely horrible as this kind of thing apparently doesn't happen often there.

Thus, the last morning that we were there, our bus was running a bit late to pick us up.  The manager came up to Layne (the other guy) and I and told us that, if we would like to, we could do the Nile-High Bungee for free!  Now, I definitely had known that the Nile bungee was available for the last few days but it cost about 70 US$.  That coupled with the fact that I had already had 12 times my normal adrenaline quota for the week left me with the decision to wait til another time to have my first bungee experience.

However, when presented with the chance to bungee for free AND the chance to make an impulsive decision to do something crazy, I couldn't resist myself.  So Layne and I said heck yes and headed up to the tower to get our bungee on with a couple other paying customers.

I will let the pictures speak for this experience but let's just say that it was WAY scarier to me than when I sky-dived (dove?).  Something about the water being so close was terrifying.  My full intention was to crow like a dying rooster on my way down to the water but I couldn't get a single sound out until after I hit the water...at which point I absolutely let out the scream of a perishing cock-a-doodle-doo.  It was really fun though and I am super glad that I got the opportunity to do it!

Seriously though, forget the trump cards.  I feel so blessed to be able to have so much adventure along with the spiritual growth of this year.  Jesus is so good to me that He doesn't just give me a year filled with spiritual adventure but that He also lets me have the chance to do things like raft the Nile and go bungee jumping. Mmmm mmmm good.

Now I must share with you the story of Christian and Mrs. Izzard.

So, the reality of my life at this point is that I have been in Africa for 3 months which means that, when I see a food that is an American brand, I GO FOR IT.  Doesn't matter if I generally would have no interest in it when I'm back home or not.  I GO FOR IT.

The number one recent victim of my Americanism is Ritz crackers.  I hadn't eaten them for YEARS before I left for the race; but if you asked me right now, I would swear that they are a staple food group in and of themselves.  They are delicious with peanut butter and without peanut butter.  They are my saving grace when it is 11 at night and I realize that I forgot to take my malaria med that day ("Take with food.")  I love them.  Ergo, there were a few weeks this month where you could literally find a half-eaten or whole-eaten sleeve of ritz crackers beside my bed every night after I fell asleep.

One night about a week ago, I was sleeping soundly in my room.  I was in between teams at the time and was resting in a hostel in Kampala.  Sometime during the middle of the night, I awoke to a noise. I looked at my watch and saw that it was around 4 am.  I lay there for about a minute trying to ascertain what kind of noise I was hearing.  It sounded like a weird scratching/chomping sound.  I think was confused me so much about it though was it sounded like something was SMACKING while eating...and it was coming from underneath my bed.  It was an eating noise that I hadn't heard before.

I decided to investigate.   Slowly, I moved to the edge of my bed and hung my head over the side.  It was very dark but I had my headlamp.  Once, I was in position, I beamed my light underneath the bed towards the noise!  I saw a half-eaten sleeve of Ritz crackers sitting there; the packaging shredded and some of the crackers clearly munched.  However, there was no sign of the culprit.  I looked around for a little while but eventually gave up.

Literally the moment that I lay back down in my bed, I heard the noise again.  If I had been quiet the first time that I moved to the edge of the bed, then this time I actually made silence. That means that when I moved, the room actually got even quieter than it had been before I moved.  I was THAT quiet.  However, the second that I beamed my light on, I saw nothing other than that package of Ritz sitting there with a bit less wrapper than before.

This time, I decided not to lay back down.  Instead, I just turned my light off and stayed there.  I waited about a minute until I started hearing the noise again.  I waited a couple of seconds and then blasted the Ritz wrapper with my headlamp!

It all happened very fast but I swear, there was a lizard (Mrs. Izzard I presume) that was about 8 inches long plus the tail sitting there on top of my Ritz wrapper.  It was very still for a split second as it stared at me right in my eyes.  Then, like a bolt of lightening, it ZOOMED right at my face!!  It was absolutely terrifying, I'm not gonna lie.  I mean come on; picture a lizard 8 inches long plus tail!  It was a big guy!  But it flew at my face.

I may or may not have let out a quiet "HOLY SHIZ!" as it flew under my head and straight for my door.  The crack under my door is pretty big and the lizard ran straight for it.  She was out of the room before I could even say goodbye.  She just left me there.

Needless to say, I immediately stuffed a towel in the crack under the door.  Once I laid back down in bed, I would say that I probably took 40 minutes to fall asleep again.  Nerves were running a little high.  Wish I could say that sleeping with a lizard was an atypical experience but at this point, the only thing atypical about it was that there were actually crackers left in the wrapper for it to eat.  Usually I down them all before I go to sleep eh?

Ok, now that you've gotten to read about 1700 words of super entertaining nonsense, I think I must let you go.  I have a couple more adventures to share with you but methinks they must wait until next post.  Don't worry, it will be coming soon.  Once I start writing, I typically bang out 3-5 posts in a couple days.  It doesn't really make sense considering that I go for weeks without writing only to have a few days that are PACKED but what can I say?  The Days Are Just Packed (that's a reference and if you catch it, I'm super proud of you and you get my utmost respect) and sometimes it is hard to find time to write.  When I get a few days to rest and relax, I just go nuts on this keyboard here.

I love my family. I love my friends.  I love my lady.  Miss you all.  I am actually not getting this posted til now...at which point I am in Bangkok, Thailand!!  We made it safely and I am excited for this month.  Hopefully can fill you in on it as it goes by.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will finish out these 11 months on the race.  When I signed up for this trip, I signed up for it knowing that I was going to finish it.  Going home wasn't an option and still isn't.

I would be lying though if I said I hadn't wished that I could just be back home recently.  I have definitely been having a lot of moments where my heart longs so badly to just be back in the US.  It longs to be back with my family and it longs to be with my friends.  It longs to be with the woman I love.

I have caught myself spending a lot of time just thinking about what it is going to be like when I get home.  I like to think about going back to work and I like to think about where I'm going to live.  I like to think about riding my bicycle and I like to think about hugging my parents.  I like to think about going to Norman to hang with Kelly and I like to think about staying in Tulsa to take Leah out on date after date.  It is hard not to get caught up in all of those thoughts sometimes.  When I'm sleeping yet another night in a bed that I'm not super into (though in reality, I generally am SUPER "into" it considering how much these beds generally sink in) or when I'm eating another meal that consists of veggies and rice, it is hard for me to keep from thinking about home.  When I am spending a week with an all-girl team (even though they are GREAT), it is hard for me to not wish that I was with my one girl. 

You get it.  Once the novelty of a trip like this wears off and it no longer feels like an "adventure" to take a shower with a bucket or ride a cramped bus through Africa for hours on end, you get a little perspective.

So anyways, I haven't been frustrated with where I am lately...I have just been checked out in a lot of ways.   Definitely still being attentive to the things that I need to be attentive to as a leader (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCIUf8eYPqA ) but my desire to learn and to grow and to see what Jesus is doing is not there. 

So that brings you up to where I was a few nights ago when I FINALLY got to call my boy Kelly whom I have been trying to connect with for weeks if not months.  We talked for just a little bit at first about the normal WHAT'S UP's and HOW ARE YOU's.  Then Kelly started talking to me.  This dude has this sweet thing where he hears the voice of the Lord really clearly and I love it.  He basically started telling me exactly where I am at. 

He started talking to me about how I am feeling like the journey should be over.  How my heart feels like these first 7 months have been great but there really isn't that much more that is going to happen in the last 4 and that I am at a place where I would really rather just come home.  He started telling me that, in a lot of ways, I have let myself come home already (in my thought life he meant).  

Then, he started telling me why he thinks that I am still here.  He was talking to me about how much the Lord did in my heart and how much He molded me during the first 3-5 months of this trip.  He said that, in a lot of ways, the Lord may have already taught me a lot of the big things that He wanted to teach me this year.  He said though that if I just went home right now, I could easily fall back out of being the person that Jesus has grown me into this year.  I would lose a lot of what He has done in my heart.  Kelly gave me some sweet perspective on how, so often, once we learn something from Jesus, we want to move on and we just assume that the things we have learned will continue to be a part of who we are, even without working to make those things habitual in our lives.

Kelly helped me get some perspective on why Jesus made this an 11 month long journey for me and not just a 7 month long journey.  I can't say that I know for sure why Jesus want's me here these last four months and I can't say what He is wanting to teach me.  But Kelly at least got me fired up about looking at the things that He already HAS taught me and trying to intentionally make those things part of who I am for the rest of my life.  Kelly was right, there are a lot of things that Jesus has done in my heart that I could easily lose if I was back home right now and didn't have the environment that I currently have to let those things become WHO I AM.

So who knows?  I don't.  I don't know what all that really means for the next 4 months but I do know that I want to be here in mind and spirit, not just body.  I think that, at the most basic level, I just needed Kelly to remind me that there is never a point to being where Jesus has you if you're not going to really be there.  It is rough because I am absolutely still homesick and I still struggle with wanting to be home right now.  But I think that I just need to remember to take those thoughts captive and choose to release them so that I can really continue see what the Lord is doing here and now.

That was probably one of the biggest things that Jesus taught me during the first few months of this trip.  He taught me how much I love following His leading.  Lately though, I just haven't been looking for His leading here.  My mind has been preoccupied with where He might be leading me 4 months from now.  Gotta stay present. 

That all said, I am excited to go into this last phase of the race.  Even though there are still 4 months left, it feels like we are about to enter the final leg of the journey as we head to Asia.  I'll be in Thailand on Wednesday, ready for hopefully one of the manliest months of my life.

I know this was pretty scattered and really, as I read back through it, it seems kind of hard to tell from what I wrote what really changed in my head.  I think that all that happened in the end is that I re-decided that I don't want to waste a moment of this amazing adventure that Jesus has me on.  I want to be just as excited about these last 4 months as He is.  Ready to buckle down and continue letting Him mold me.  Kelly just helped me realize that this wasn't going to happen if I continued letting my mind be living in July/August in the USA.

I'm in Uganda today and Thailand on Wednesday.  All of me.  Boom.

So it is a little crazy that I am posting so many blogs these past few days eh?  I'm right there with you.  Jesus has been super awesome recently though and I have got to share it all.

Recently, my dad sent me an email catching me up on some of the goings on back home. When I first received it, I only had internet for a short time.  Thus, I just downloaded the email and saved it to read later when internet time wasn't so valuable.  I love hearing from my parents and I was excited to read the email. 

My dad is pretty good at getting to my heart.  If I could somehow count the number of times that my dad's love has moved me to tears over the course of my life, I am sure that number would SIGNIFICANT.  I definitely wasn't expecting it this time though.  I was just expecting an email that would let me know some of what had been going on back at home recently.

The email began with these words: "It's fair to say that I am missing you quite a bit these days...  Going this long without the affirmation of your embrace and pat on the back is tough on me... I do love you so much..."  I don't know if it makes perfect sense to you why these words made my eyes well up with tears or whether there is something specific in my relationship with my father that makes this response make total sense to me.  Either way though, I still find myself easily getting emotional at the thought of my father longing for MY embrace.

As a son, I have definitely always grown up knowing there was little that was more important to me than my relationship with my father.  I was well aware that my father was an incredible man and a highly abnormal father in the way that he was able to love me and be there for me.  The embrace of my father has always been something that I have found IMMENCE security in.  Hearing from my father though that he misses MY embrace was something I had never realized he would feel.  Sure, I knew that he missed me and I knew that he wanted to see me.  However, I never realized that the love that I communicate to him through an embrace is something that HE actually longs for...it's not just me longing for his embrace.

**PHOTO BY STEPHANIE**

I definitely realized a lot about my relationship with my dad through this email but I didn't really even think to apply this to my relationship with Jesus.  However, Jesus obviously had something he wanted to say to me because he decided to communicate it a second time through a different avenue.

A couple days later, I was listening to a sermon by a man named Graham Cooke.  He mentioned something about how Jesus loves to hear what He looks like from us, His children.  It was just a passing comment in his sermon but it STUCK in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

This idea that the heart of Jesus might long for my embrace as a son just as much as I have always longed for His father embrace was rocking my world.  Frankly, it blew my away.

I spent a lot of time for a few days just trying to process the magnitude of the truth that Jesus was showing me.  I have learned at this point to never take truth for it's face value when it comes from Jesus.  He ALWAYS has deeper levels of revelation to bring to truths.

The end result of spending time with Jesus on this stuff was that He gave me a song to sing.  Haha does he know how to love me or does he know how to love me?

This is a song about how Jesus absolutely is already aware of how amazing He is.  He already knows that nothing compares to His glory and goodness.  He LONGS to hear His praises come from the mouth of HIS SON though.  He loves to hear how powerful and mighty He is IN THE EYES of His son. He loves to hear that I am blown away by Him.

This is just a song of stepping into that role of a son during worship.  I have always loved to worship Him and tell Him how awesome He is.  However, I really only step into the part of our relationship that looks like a father/son when I am needing a father's love.  I have never stepped into that reality when I am just longing to be a son loving on His father.  I hope that makes sense.  Essentially, I have always wanted to receive the love of a father but haven't ever experienced what it is like to tell my father that I love Him.

Through my earthly father (as happens so often it seems) Jesus showed me a little more of what He wants our relationship to look like.  My fathers long for my love.  That's ridiculous.

I have attached a link to the song that I wrote.  It's just a crappy recording I made on my ipod real fast but hopefully you can get the gist.  I've put the lyrics below just in case you can't understand my words!  Love you all so much and thanks for reading the ridiculous amount of words that I write.

LINK TO SONG DOWNLOAD:

https://sites.google.com/site/worshworsh/home/worship-sessions/From%20Your%20Son.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1

LYRICS:

Jesus I know that you know how beautiful you are.

Jesus I know that you know how matchless is your goodness.

Jesus I know that you know how great thou art

Jesus I know that you know how far you are beyond compare.

But hear it from the mouth of your child,

You are great.

Hear it from the lips of your son,

You are mighty.

Hear it from the top of my lungs,

Your holiness blows me away!

Your goodness blows me away!

Your beauty blows me away!

Your kindness blows me away!

I'm blown away by you Abba.

Jesus continues to show me that worship is my favorite way to hear His voice.  Honestly though, the word "worship" has become such an all-encompassing term for me these days.  The reality, yes, is that my entire life should be worship to the Lord.  Every single thing that I do SHOULD be worship to Jesus.  But worship can look so different too.  Worship can be a very broad term that doesn't quite narrow things down enough to effectively communicate what I'm talking about or it can be a term that is far to specific to encapsulate all the things I mean when I use the word.

I feel like I might have just gotten confusing for almost no good reason.  The point though is that I want to use a word other than "worship" so that I communicate what I'm actually talking about.

Jesus loves to encounter me through time that I spend singing to Him and listening to Him sing to me.  Sometimes I will be well aware that I haven't heard from the Lord recently and might even complain about it but then I will also know that I haven't been spending time in that place where He likes to speak to me...that place where I have a guitar and He has a voice.

So anyways, I want to share with you a couple of the things that Jesus has been speaking to me lately as my guitar and I have spent time with Him.

Back during the very first month of this journey, Jesus started speaking to me about His GOODNESS.  About the simple truth that He is ALWAYS good and that His goodness is ALWAYS enough to satisfy my soul.  If you remember, I wrote something about that on the face of my guitar:

It rocked my world to see that there was never any need or desire that His goodness could not satisfy.  There was never a situation in which His goodness could not be found.  It is one of the things about God that is just always going to be true.  It's not situational.  God is GOOD.  Flat out.

I was listening to an awesome sermon recently by Graham Cooke (called 'God is the kindest person I ever met'...listen to it if you're into that).  One thing he was talking about in this sermon is how Jesus loves to give different people deep understandings of the deep parts of His heart.  For instance, Graham was talking about how the KINDNESS of God has been something that God is continually bringing new depth and new revelation to in his life.

For me, that truth that Jesus has given me such a desire to understand more of over and over again is His GOODNESS.  I can't get enough of it.  I can't understand it enough.  Thus, He has continued to talk to me about it over the months.  I remember one time during month two of this trip in Moldova when I was leading worship for the teams that were there with me.  During worship, we were singing about the goodness of God and Jesus brought a line to my mind that I ended up singing over and over and over and over again.  It was "There is joy in your goodness God."

Since that day, I don't know how many times I have said that line during worship.  It was a seed that Jesus planted in my heart that day.  Even though it has been something growing inside me for a long time, I don't think I have ever had any idea what the actual fruit of that seed was going to be.  Recently though, Jesus has REALLY been pouring meaning into that statement though.

I think that part of it is that I really didn't struggle with maintaining joy throughout the first part of this trip.  Honestly, until recently, I have never really struggled that much with choosing joy and resting in joy.  However, the middle months of this trip have brought with them some struggles that I have never faced.

I am realizing though that Jesus planted that seed of JOY IN HIS GOODNESS inside my heart 4 months ago so that by the time I needed it (now), the roots of that truth would have penetrated deep into the soil of my heart.  That truth means SO much more to me than it did 4 months ago and I can't really even explain why.  It's simply because it is something that I have actually spent time after time meditating on it.

His goodness is so real to me daily and now, because this seed of JOY that COMES FROM that goodness has been able to grow deep roots, it is bearing fruit.  This truth is a part of my life and who I am now.

I think I'm going to save the other thing that Jesus has been showing me recently for another post so that this doesn't end up being like 2000 words long.  Just wanted to encourage you though to MEDITATE on the things that Jesus is saying to you.  There is always more depth to the words that He uses than you have grasped, no matter how simple the truth is.  If you need something to meditate on, just meditate on the fact that JESUS LOVES YOU.  See what happens.  He will blow your preconceived notions of what that statement means out of the water.  And then, if you meditate on it again, He'll blow you out of the water again. That's just how awesome He is.

I remember when I went skydiving back in my freshman year of college.  I was the same height that I am now (about 6'2" - 6'3") but weighed in at just 160 llbs.  It was a Christmas present from my parents and I had been waiting since Christmas for the middle of April to roll around so that it wouldn't be SUPER cold.  I love watching the video from that day because I had to wear this completely dorky, spandex jumpsuit thing and I wore a dorky helmet that looked like a bullet on top of my head.  With my ridiculously lanky body, it was a sight that would make just about anyone laugh.

The plane ride up was a flippin blast and ever since that day, I have really wanted to go back up in a tiny plane just because they are so  fun to fly around in.  Once we hit 12,000 feet, me and the weirdo instructor that was attached to my back jumped out of the plane.

<INSERT SWEET PICTURE OF ME SKYDIVING HERE>

We had about 60 seconds of freefall before we needed to pull the parachute.  It was maybe some of the most exhilarating seconds of my life.  Plummeting towards the earth at just below terminal velocity, I have never felt anything quite like it.  It legitimately did feel like I was flying.

It is crazy though.  Even though you're falling towards the earth at an INSANE speed, you don't really realize that the earth is getting closer to you as the seconds go by.  Maybe it is just because it is SO far away but you just never get the sensation that the earth is getting closer (or at least I didn't).  You definitely get the sensation of falling though.  And you definitely know that you are falling FAST because the wind is crazy when you're falling that fast.

After the exhilarating freefall, you have to pull the chute.  I remember being really surprised when we pulled the chute.  Up to that point, I hadn't really even noticed my perspective on the earth changing even though I was definitely much closer to it at the end of the freefall than I was at the beginning.  When we pulled the chute though and began to slow down you get the weirdest perspective shift. For some reason, even though all the chute does is slow down your fall, it LOOKS like the earth zooms away from you.  If I were to trust only my eyes and my own perspective, I would have said that when we pulled the chute, I flew straight back up and away from the earth before I began falling again.

The reality though is just that you just slow down...you don't zoom away.  I feel like this is the picture God has been giving me lately.  I have been talking with many of my friends on this journey with me lately and have consistently heard that many of us feel like we have done some backsliding over these middle months of the race.  I know that I personally have dealt with some frustration as I've felt like I can SEE myself losing ground or taking steps backwards in my walk with Jesus or in my walk to just maturity as a man.  The feeling of backsliding is one of my least favorite feelings that the satan tries to give me.  It's so much worse than feeling stagnant.  Feeling like you're actually moving backwards is the worst.

In the same way though that the reality of skydiving is that you DON'T stop falling closer to the earth, you just slow down, I have been hearing the Lord tell me that the reality of our relationship is that it's just not in that "honeymoon" phase anymore.  We're not in that super emotionally exciting phase of the relationship where everything FEELS super exciting.  We're in for the long haul now and the switch from what felt like an exhilarating relationship to one that lasts has given me the illusion of backsliding some days.  The process of slowing down to a mature pace sometimes gives me that illusion of the earth getting further away when really, it still continues to get closer.

Jesus has had me in a process of looking back at the last couple months of what I would have called some backsliding.  He has been showing me how even though it hasn't feel like an emotional high, I have still grown so much.  I have seriously grown in some ridiculous ways.  Now that He's starting to give me some perspective, the idea that I thought this was "backsliding" is preposterous.

I am writing this blog mostly for my fellow squad-mates.  Guys, I know that a ton of us have fallen prey to this illusion of backsliding.  The reality though is just that we aren't riding that emotional high anymore.  We are cruising along at a mature pace and we are still growing.  Look back at the last couple months, do you really think you are the same or less of a mature person in Jesus than you were 2 months ago?  Heck no.  Sure, Jesus might be doing some less glamorous stuff in you but you are still a changed person who continues to be changed.  At least that is the reality that Jesus has been showing me about myself.

The slowdown that comes as the chute goes out is a good process.  We're all still falling towards the earth but we are falling at the pace of people who have been through the freefall and are now on the road of mature followers of Jesus.  We are dealing with REAL issues now.  We're past all the issues that come up as a result of our emotional highs and lows.

I hope this is encouraging to you guys.  It was really awesome for me when I realized that Jesus has still been working in me and forming me these past couple months.  It was awesome when I realized that I actually do look more like Jesus now than I did a couple months ago when I was definitely feeling the opposite for a while.  If you are feeling the same way that I was feeling, like you were backsliding and didn't know how to stop, ask Jesus to give you some perspective.  Ask Him to speak some truth to you.  Ask Him to tell you straight up that you are still falling closer to the earth when everything your eyes are telling you is that you are getting more and more distant.  I love you guys and maybe some of what Jesus has been bringing me through makes sense to you and helps you out.  If not, now you at least know what's been going on in me!  Haha.  I love you guys so much. 

Jesus encounters us every way that we could possibly need Him to if we let Him.  There isn't a single place that you can look for love in your life where He can't show you even greater love.  If you are pursuing love from deep friendships, He can show you a deeper camaraderie than you ever even imagined.  If you are pursuing love in a marriage, He can show you a greater intimacy than you even knew was possible.  If you are pursuing love from your superiors at work, His "Job well done" will blow any boss's words out of the water.

Jesus is just a lover. Every single way that I turn, His love is what I'm looking for.  No matter what I THINK I'm longing for, it is always His love in one way or another.

Lately, for some reason, I have been thinking about the love of Jesus a lot.  He has been really good to me in that He has shown me His love in so many different different ways lately.  He has been the intimate lover that I long for.  He has been the close friend that I can speak to and vent to.  He has been the brother that I desperately wish I could be with.  He has been the protector that I find safety in.  He really has been just showering love on me in so many different ways.

Out of all of the ways that Jesus loves though, I think that my favorite one is the way that He loves me as a father.

Maybe it's because I have had an absolutely amazing father my whole life or maybe it's because Jesus has been showing me how much bigger His father's heart is than even my own amazing earthly father's, but either way, having a true father is one of the greatest gifts that I think I have ever had in my life. 

Haha I just realized that there's no way I'm going to get through this without some tears.  I MIGHT have just teared up as I typed that last line...

As  I have gone through these first 5 months on the World Race, the thing that has broken my heart more than anything is when I see children who lack true fathers.  It absolutely breaks my heart to see children who have to go through life never knowing that their dad's love them or are proud of them.

I have had an incredible father my entire life.  Even in the very moments that my father was punishing me for messing up, I never once had to doubt whether my father was proud of the boy or man that I was.  I haven't EVER wondered whether my father loved me.  NEVER.  How mind-blowing is that?  My father has pursued Jesus to the point that He has actually been able to love me in a truly absurd way.

As I have traveled around the world, my heart is broken over and over and over and over and over and over and over again when I see ORPHANS who have no idea what it's like to have any father at all.  It breaks when I see kids growing up with fathers who have no idea how to communicate love and grace to their children.  It breaks when I see children whose fathers truly do not love them. 

Yesterday, Rachel and I were resting for a day in Dar es Salaam on our way to visit another team up in Mwanza.  We found a place near the beach where we could just sit, relax, worship, and think for the day.  When we sat down in our lounge chairs, we noticed that there was a kid sitting about 15 feet away from us in another chair.  He was alone and kind of kept looking over at us as if to say "hey, I don't know how to start a convo with you guys without being awkward but I am definitely down to chat..."

We talked to him a lot throughout the day.  His name was Alex and he told us all about his life.  He was 17 and had definitely had a pretty crazy life.  His parents worked for the English Foreign Commission and he had traveled a lot in his life.

I don't want to blab all about his story but I just want to say that, through talking to him, I was able to see some huge father woundings. This 17 year old kid was telling us all about everything that he had succeeded at and everything that he had accomplished in his life and was just BEGGING for some affirmation.

As we sat there and talked to this kid who was honestly a really cool dude, I was able to so clearly see the woundings that he had from not having a father who had communicated that he was PROUD of him.  This awesome kid was just dying to hear somebody say that they were proud of him.

His parents had gotten divorced a few years earlier and an exact quote from him was "yeah my parents split a few years ago and really I'm pretty sure it was my fault because..."

My heart was absolutely breaking for this kid yesterday.  At one point when Alex went out to go for a swim, I was trying to tell Rachel what was going on in my heart and I started tearing up. 

There is something that the Lord has placed in my heart that absolutely breaks me when I see kids who don't get to know the love of a father and when I see kids who haven't gotten to live and grow up under parents that have demonstrated true love.  I hate it hate it hate it so much.

Jesus showed me something yesterday though as my heart was breaking for this kid.  He showed me a place that I have doubted His sufficiency and where I have doubted the UNENDING power of His love.

Yes, my heart absolutely breaks for kids who don't get the love of a father that I got to experience growing up.  Jesus gave me the gift of a father so that my heart WOULD break for those kids.  The reality though is that I had doubt in my heart about the ability of God to restore.  I didn't truly believe that Jesus could fill that hole that was left in Alex's life from having a father who didn't know how to love.  My heart broke because I didn't believe that there was any hope for Alex to ever truly experience the love that I have experienced from my father.

Jesus called me out HARD on this though last night.  Jesus showed me that He has so much more to show even ME about His "father's love".  He has given me a heart that breaks when I see people operating without His love so that I can direct them to Jesus (the greatest father ever)'s love.   He has given me a broken heart so that He can USE me to show His "father's love" to people all over the world.

Jesus never wants the story to end with "and Christian's heart was broken for this kid".  He wants the story to end with "Christian's heart broke for this kid so He invited JESUS into it and JESUS RESTORED the kid's heart."

There is a level of faith that I want to step into that says that even a child who has grown up in the most broken home possible can live in the same amount of security through the love of Jesus that I get to live in from having the greatest parents ever.

I'm done with the story ending  with "and Christian's heart broke..."  When my heart breaks, I want my first response to be that I SEE it as an opportunity for Jesus' love to conquer and I want to have the faith to invite Him into the situation.

Jesus is a lover and He truly will encounter us in every way that we ever desire to be encountered.  His love is literally all that we are ever searching for.  I want to believe that His love is truly the answer to every bit of hurt and brokenness that I see as I go through this world.

I love that He is a lover and I love that, the moment I step into His love, He is ready to use me to communicate it to others.

Speaking of love...I'm SO FLIPPING CRAZY INSANE IN LOVE WITH LEAH FOSTER!!  If you're in Tulsa and you see her around, give her a HUGE hug and tell her it's from me and that I said that I love her.  She's the most amazing person I've ever met and her heart is beautiful.  I miss her like crazy.

Also, today is my mommy's birthday!  I know I've talked a lot about my dad but my mom would blow your mind as well.  It is insane that I actually DESIRE to tell my mom everything that is going on in my life.  She has been such a safe place for me over the years and has absolutely showed me a part of God's heart that provides security, grace, and love.  I love that woman with everything that's in me.  If you're around her today, HONOR her any way you can.  She deserves way more honor than anyone could ever give her.  She's amazing.  Love you mom.